Facing demons

I've just spent an amazing couple of days at the NextGen Broadband conference in Bristol, of which more tomorrow once I've had time to reflect on and digest all that I've heard. But for now, I wanted to share with you how fantastic I'm feeling about having faced down another demon, and achieved another first at the same time.

I've blogged before thatI don't always feel as confident as I can appear, and that putting myself out there in public is not necessarily something I look forward to. I was going to say, not something I find easy but the truth is, that while I don't like it, these days I don't actually find it that hard. Frequent forays into the limelight mean that I seem to have found a way of dealing with it and I've learned the things I need to do to come across well - how to project my voice, how to pad for time whilst thinking about what to say next, now to calm and centre myself before starting. All of which now helps with the swan* impression I have become adept at.

But none of that means I actually enjoy it. Admittedly there are some circumstances that are easier than others - smaller groups, familiar faces, a well kent subject - but for the rest? Well, it's just scary. Last week I did my first national conference plenary presentation. This week I went one step further and was a panelist on an 'expert debate' at the Next Gen conference. And although I was nervous, this week I decided not to let the nerves get the better of me, and with the help of my fellow panelists I actually managed to enjoy myself.

Apparently I was quite good too, earning lots of positive feedback and almost groupie-like attention afterwards. (These were IT boffs remember before you get too excited!) I was told I was a breath of fresh air (for which read, didn't know the detail) and willing to be controversial (for which read, didn't realise the sensitivities). But the comment I liked best was from the young female conference attendee, who thanked me for saying that the debates were too technical and virtually unintelligible to the lay person, and that if they wanted to make progress they would need to find a way to speak in plain English. She told me she had spent the conference wondering if she 'got it', but now she had the confidence to tell them just to explain it better. Result! I confess, that made my day.

And now, as I'm still buzzing with adrenalin at almost midnight, I can strongly recommend facing your own demons. The sense of achievement is immense. Knowing that you have done it will give you so much confidence. And if you're lucky, you might get the added bonus of being an inspiration to others.

What are you waiting for???

Times, they are a-changin'

As I blogged yesterday, it's getting towards that time of year again - autumn, winter, cold, fog, frost, Halloween, Bonfire Night, Christmas, New Year, snow, and did I mention cold?

It's also when it starts getting darker and, for the UK, when the clocks revert to GMT (or UTC as it now seems to be called). Changing my clocks set my mind to thinking about how time marches on, and how it changes the things around it: - weather, seasons, light, structures, views, fine wine, good cheeses, well cured meat (I'm getting hungry now, time to stop this list...) and me!

Regular readers to this blog will know I've been working through some stuff over the last couple of years. There have been times when it's been really hard and I've wondered how I'll cope. There have been days when even just getting up in the morning and facing the world has been a trial, and I confess at times melancholy won. I have been so sad at moments that I thought I'd never laugh again.

Fortunately, those times didn't happen too often, and when they did I knew I could always rely on my amazing friends to be there for me. They have been tolerant, supportive, loving, long-suffering, cajoling, sensitive, directive, understanding. They have been there. And for that I am truly, truly grateful.

But these last few months, I've been realising that I may just have managed to develop the new me, the more confident, happy, balanced, fun-to-be-with version. The model that doesn't need constant support and reassurance to be able to function effectively, that doesn't feel less than, that is complete in itself.

It hasn't happened suddenly. In fact it's kind of crept up on me and caught me by surprise. I think it was my recent holiday that cemented the realisation. I like me. I like my own company and I think I'm fun to be with. I like other company too, but I don't need it. I don't just cope or get by without it anymore, I live and love life as I find it and as it is. I no longer feel a let down at the end of a great evening out with friends when I go home to my (solo) flat and close the door on the world. I'm left with the happy glow, not the desperation of loneliness. I smile to myself more now. And I think I'm probably the better to know for it!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy all the time. I have bad days as well. But they're bad days like we all get - stuff going wrong, frustration, mistakes and cock-ups. They're no longer dark thunder clouds in my life, now they seem to be pretty much just a passing shower. I can carry an umbrella for that!

I still value my friends. My days are undoubtedly happier and more fun because of them. They add to the quality of light, love and laughter, and I wouldn't be without them. But hopefully it's less of a one-way street for them these days, that they feel there's some give and not just take from me, that they can remember again why we are friends in the first place.

So, yay me! Yay you! And thanks... xx

Don't let them break you

There are people that will investigate you
They'll insinuate, intimidate and complicate you
Don't ever wait or hesitate to state the fate that awaits those who
Try to shake or take you
Don't let them break you

You can do anything you want to do
It's not wrong what I sing it's true
You can do anything you want to do
Do what you want to

People that despise you will analyse then criticise you
They'll scandalise and tell lies until they realize
You are somebody they should have apologised to
Don't let these people compromise you
Be wise too

You can do anything you want to do
It's not wrong what I sing it's true
You can do anything you want to do
Do what you want to

Hey you you're not their puppet on a string
You can do everything
It's true if you really want to
You can do anything you want

Just like I do

You can do anything you want to do
It's not wrong when I sing it's true
You can do anything you want to do
Do what you want

Thin Lizzy

Today I find myself needing to listening to this wise advice.