Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Real or imaginary?

It's a question I often ask - is the confidence, happiness, composure I feel real or imagined? Do I really feel that way or have I just got so good at faking it, that I can even fool myself? 
When I was young, I was very shy. As I've got older, I've become more confident - or have I? There are still situations that I feel less than comfortable with. I'm used to speaking in public, and I can do it well, but it doesn't mean I like doing it. I can socialise and network, talk to people I've never met before with apparent ease, but it doesn't mean I haven't got butterflies in my stomach while I'm doing it. It doesn't mean I don't worry about what people think of me, if I'm making sense or talking bollocks, or worse still, boring the pants of them. I feel relaxed and at ease with my friends, but it still takes a lot of emotional effort to make new ones.

Since I've been on my own, I've been trying to relearn being self reliant, enjoying my own company, finding out who I really am, and whether I like me. It's been a hard journey and recently I've been feeling like I've finally got there. But today I'm wondering if it's just another false summit, if I'm just kidding myself. There's nothing particular that's happened, no great disasters or uncomfortable experiences, no crises or calamities. I'm just not feeling as chipper as I have been recently. And it's left me wondering if it's just been another partial 'faking it' success, and now I've run out the energy I need to keep it going.

Or maybe I'm just having a bad day. Maybe this is just a passing shower and it's how 'normal' people feel every once in a while.

Don't worry, I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning. Or if I don't necessarily feel better, I'll be too busy to notice. But thanks for listening.


Just Frances said...

I may not be the best person to comment on 'normal', but it all sounds normal to me.

We all have moments of self-doubt. We all have bad days. We all question our emotions. But you're doing just fine. In fact, you are an inspiration!


Lynne McNeil said...

Becca, you're doing brilliantly! Life is tougher today than it was even 20 years ago and we all have days when we feel a bit rubbish about ourselves.
It's probably exhaustion (all that running and holidaying...!) and a bit of post-holiday blues - get something else booked to look forward to - it is the treats in life that motivate!

Bex said...

Thanks guys, you'll be pleased to know I'm feeling better this evening. Partly to do with effort on my part, partly to do with a productive day at work and lots to do with having very supportive friends.