Real or imaginary?

 

It's a question I often ask - is the confidence, happiness, composure I feel real or imagined? Do I really feel that way or have I just got so good at faking it, that I can even fool myself? 

When I was young, I was very shy. As I've got older, I've become more confident - or have I? There are still situations that I feel less than comfortable with. I'm used to speaking in public, and I can do it well, but it doesn't mean I like doing it. I can socialise and network, talk to people I've never met before with apparent ease, but it doesn't mean I haven't got butterflies in my stomach while I'm doing it. It doesn't mean I don't worry about what people think of me, if I'm making sense or talking bollocks, or worse still, boring the pants of them. I feel relaxed and at ease with my friends, but it still takes a lot of emotional effort to make new ones.

Since I've been on my own, I've been trying to relearn being self reliant, enjoying my own company, finding out who I really am, and whether I like me. It's been a hard journey and recently I've been feeling like I've finally got there. But today I'm wondering if it's just another false summit, if I'm just kidding myself. There's nothing particular that's happened, no great disasters or uncomfortable experiences, no crises or calamities. I'm just not feeling as chipper as I have been recently. And it's left me wondering if it's just been another partial 'faking it' success, and now I've run out the energy I need to keep it going.

Or maybe I'm just having a bad day. Maybe this is just a passing shower and it's how 'normal' people feel every once in a while.

Don't worry, I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning. Or if I don't necessarily feel better, I'll be too busy to notice. But thanks for listening.

Waving

not drowning, although sometimes to be honest, it feels like it!

Apologies, this is going to be one of those posts that some of my readers don't like me writing. Today has not been a good day. The good news, however, is that it's better than last night was. And this evening is definitely better than this morning was.

So, what's wrong I hear you ask? Everything and nothing, I guess. I've been very busy at work and that's made me very tired. The things I've been dealing with have been complex and far from straightforward. At times it's been really hard to see if I'm making any progress at all, or even if what I'm doing has any point.

And life at home hasn't been much easier. Because I've been so busy at work, things have mounted up in the flat. There's been a load of washing winking at me for a few days now, muffled only by the cries of the dirty dishes in the sink to be washed and the pile of clothes that need to be put away. And let's just not go there with the hoovering that needs done!!

On top of all of that I've been feeling the loneliness of being on my own. I realised at the weekend that I don't often just stop and do nothing, and I know why. When I do stop and do nothing I tend to think too much, and that's when I think about being on my own. So being busy keeps my mind distracted, but also leaves me tired, which leaves me low, which gets me to thinking again - vicious circle!

Last night when I was at my lowest ebb I decided what I needed was to break things, throw things, do some damage. And then I remember I'm staying in a rented place with someone else's property. I don't think the landlord would really be very pleased if I broke his crockery and upset his neighbours. Softer options are called for therefore. One of my friends used to have pillow fights to make herself feel better. But pillow fights on your own just don't cut the mustard I've found. So I was back to square one.

Instead I resorted to a good night's sleep, some moping at work and then a busy work schedule to take my mind off things. On the whole I think it's worked - a phone call with a good friend and a visit from another really helped too. It reminds me how lucky I am to have people who care for me, and even if I don't have someone special, I still have people who make me feel special, cared for and loved.

But I still think I should probably start taking my Evening Primrose Oil pills again!

thanks for listening xx

Man is born free

but everywhere he is in chains, as the great philosopher, Jean Jacques Rousseau once opined.

Or as I like to think of it (and to paraphrase another great philospher) we enter the world alone and we leave it alone, but in between time it's seems to be one mad dash to be with someone else. Everywhere you look the world seems to be in couples. Everything seems to be made for them - from single supplements on holidays to phrase books that give you useful phrases for 'We enjoyed the meal' to tasting menus for a minimum of two people to luxury seats for two at the cinema.

Am I bitter? No, I'm just a bit down this evening about being away on holiday in a beautiful city and having no-one to share it with. Everywhere I look are loved up couples enjoying romantic meals and here's me, back at my hotel room not feeling like subjecting myself to another evening of 'Look who's got no friends' at some bar or other.

I'm sorry, readers. I try to be upbeat most of the time, and I am genuinely enjoying this holiday. But there are times when it would be nice to have someone to share it with. Someone to point out a funny/striking/beautiful/ hideous sight to, someone to laugh with, to ooh and aah with. It would be really nice to have someone to share a romantic moment with too but just any old companion would do me right now.

People watching is great fun. But the most fun is being able to point it out to someone else. And strangers, for some reason, seem to think you're either cruel or mad if you do it to them!

Me, myself and I

Pondering the view
Originally uploaded by bexybeads

There are many many wonderful things about living on your own. Some of my particular favourites are - not having to accommodate anyone else's tastes, not being woken up at an unearthly hour by little people, being able to choose what I do and when I do it without reference to others - including hoovering at 2 in the morning if the mood takes me, not that it does very often, at 2 am or at any time if I'm honest!

I also enjoy being able to cook whatever I like for my dinner and not worry about whether it's going to be ok for others too. Or even not cook at all and just snack and graze my evening away. It's good fun being able to come home and decide for myself whether to put the TV on, listen to music, play on the computer or just sit and knit without having any of that moderated by AN Other.

But at the same time, it can be really lonely. I find Friday nights are the hardest. When everyone else is looking forward to the end of the week and a break from work, I'm quite often wondering what on earth I'm going to do to fill my time on my own. It's not every weekend and I don't really know what the trigger is, but there are Friday evenings when it all just feels too much.

Last night was one. I came home from work after a long, busy and quite hard week and instead of feeling relieved, I just felt incredibly sad. I don't think it was helped by being one of the last people to leave the office either. Walking out on my own with no-one to say cheerio to just reinforced the Billy-No-Mates feeling I suspect. I wandered into town intent on cheering myself up with a takeaway from the new Indian restaurant that's recently opened near me but when I got there, I couldn't quite bring myself to go in and order food. The effort was just too much. Pathetic, I know, but when I get my 'Friday feeling' even things like that are too much.

So instead I headed home, feeling sorry for myself and sat in the flat by myself. I could (and probably should) have called a friend but I didn't. I didn't want to inflict myself on anyone in that mood, and anyway - I reasoned - they'll all be out doing things and it will only make me feel worse to find out they're all too busy to see me. What I did instead was dig something out of the freezer to eat - which by happy coincidence turned out to be a vegetable curry I'd made a previous weekend, and not the aubergine bake I thought I was defrosting, poured myself a large glass of wine and settled down to watch some mindless TV and try to finish my sister's birthday present.

It worked a bit but what worked more was taking the plunge and posting on Facebook that I was feeling a bit down, and then seeing all the lovely, funny, sarcastic, thoughtful comments and messagescome back from friends. Reading other people's posts was also a good tonic - friends who invariably see the world in the best possible light, who generally have quirky, funny things to say, or who just deal with so much more difficult things than me in an awesome and inspiring way.

I'd love to say that I'm feeling fully recovered today and that everything is just lovely. I'm not, but it is better. And I'll get up shortly and get on with my weekend. I know that doing things will make me feel better than sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I know that while I'm sad just now, I will be happy another day and that both emotions are important and natural and inevitable. And if they're not, then life would be really really dull.

In an attempt to cheer me up, a friend texted me to remember that Life is Pain, referencing someone I'd never heard of. So in this internet age, I went ahead and googled it. I'm not sure if this is the intended reference but it made me laugh. Thanks x

I've since discovered that the reference was to a film quote instead - much more benign than the one I found! Which made me laugh even more!!