Saturday, 12 June 2010
This is going to be a bit of an uncharacteristic post for me. Sorry, but I'm feeling blue. I don't know why - there's nothing particular happened - but I just can't seem to shake it today. I've done some of the things I normally do to cheer myself - had a lie in, treated myself to some foodie goodies, been for a coffee, sat in the sun - but it's just not working. So now I'm back at the flat, feeling down and feeling annoyed with myself for the pity fest. I knlow I should call one of my friends and invite myself round, or go out for a run - anything but sit here feeling down, but I just can't seem to generate the enthusiasm or energy. And, in any case, why should my friends have to put up with me being miserable? Again!
It's been just over a year now that I've been on my own. And there's no doubt it's been hard. I really didn't cope with it well to begin with but the last couple of months have felt much better. My mood swings are much less - and while the highs might not be as high, they are much more stable and the lows are less deep, which is worth it to be honest. Most of the time now I'm ok - not great, but definitely ok. It's just the occasional day, like today, that it gets hard. I wish I had someone to share things with. Don't get me wrong - I know I'm lucky to have the good friends I do, but I can't help wishing for something just a bit more. To be that extra bit special to someone and have someone that cares just that little bit extra about me.
In my 40s, I find that I don't have the first idea of how to go about solving my lack of a someone special. Well, that's not strictly true - I know in theory how I should go about it, I just don't have the confidence to do it. If I'm honest, I'm scared to try - scared about being rejected, and also scared of messing it up again.
People tell me how brave I am to be on my own, and how well I'm coping with and dealing with it, but it doesn't really feel brave to me, it's just necessity. It's not like I have much of a choice about it at the moment!
Having said that, it was still the right thing to do, and I am far happier with my lot than I was before. I only have my own emotions to deal with now, and I'm only really responsible for me. I don't have to spend the energy making it right for someone else, often at the expense of what was right for me. And while I may not have someone caring that bit extra about me, nor do I have the disappointment of the person who should be caring that bit extra, not being able to.
Swimming on your own through life's ocean does have some advantages, but it can be incredibly lonely. But it can also be incredibly liberating - and while the ocean can be a big place, it's not entirely empty and if I keep swimming around, I'm sure I'll find company for my travels sometime.