Getting back on (2)

I was going to blog about running tonight but since my last post I've had so many messages on and off line that I thought I'd follow up on Saturday's post instead. You'll need to wait until later for my latest running related musings.

First of all, to all my friends who have commented and sent messages of support - thank you all so much. It's been really lovely to hear from you all and to get your love and friendship. It really is things like that which get me through on my bad days.

Secondly, I didn't mean my post to be too pathetic. It was just a realisation that at 43, the dating game is way more scary than last time I was single - and that was bad enough. Not only am I dealing with being on my own, this time I'm doing it with more wrinkles and grey hairs and fewer opportunities to get out and meet people. Clubbing isn't really an option for the over 40s, or at least not in Stirling it isn't. And in any case, I'm not sure I would be well suited to a 40 plus partner who still spends his time out clubbing with the young things!!

My work obsession was a contributory factor to my last relationship breaking down - not unreasonably my husband wasn't particularly keen on always coming second to the job, the irony wasn't entirely lost on me that I even ducked out of a heart to heart about saving our marriage because of a crisis at work - and it's now a real barrier to getting out and looking for frogs/dolphins. When I was asked the other evening what I did in my spare time, my first thought was 'what spare time?' and my second was 'good question, what do I do?' Watching TV, knitting and drinking wine aren't exactly exciting pastimes!

Now I know that's unfair - I run (in case you hadn't noticed), I dance, I enjoy music, I love travelling, I do like knitting but I prefer to describe it as one of my creative crafts, I like to cook and when I had one, I quite liked my garden too. But the reality is that I give so much to my job that at the end of the day/week, there isn't really much spare time. And with marathon training now starting to kick in, there'll not be much time for anything else at all. I'll be an even more boring dinner companion if I'm not careful!!

So, a concerted effort is required. I think I need to stop relying on chance and do something positive about meeting new people and enjoying my non-working time. As I said yesterday, I've tried the lonely hearts thing and it was bit off putting. I've also tried the dating guys at work thing, and that's just a recipe for disaster - in so many ways. Choosing my own partners hasn't been particularly successful, but my first blind date experience wasn't too encouraging either. What to do?

Sensible friends advise finding a new interest, or joining a group connected to an existing interest. In reality that will either need to be something to do with running or alternatively an occasional commitment. I just don't think I'll have time for anything else. A few weeks back I treated myself to a number of tickets to gigs and other events. If nothing else, they'll get me out of the flat! And then some internet research suggests there are dinner/social club type things available these days for folk like me, struggling to make new friends but not wanting to be as upfront as signing up with a dating agency.

I'm worried again that dear readers, you will think this is a down beat post - it's not meant to be. Yes, it's hard getting back in the dating scene (at my age) but at least now I'm actively thinking about it and starting to take some baby steps towards doing something about it. That's a huge improvement and something I'm feeling fairly positive about. And at worst, perhaps I'll just end up with a whole heap new friends and some new experiences, some of which might even be good. At best, I might find a new love interest - which would be nice!

All in all, I guess that means - Frogs beware, there's a girl with a penchant for kisses on the loose!

Who am I?

And what do I want?

I was out for a drink with a good friend last night and as ever our conversation turned that bit deeper after we'd finished the first bottle of wine. We didn't quite get as far as the question in the title of this post, but we did talk about the second one posed above. What it made me realise is, that if I want to answer that second question I probably need to understand a little bit more about what my answer to the first one is.

WARNING: This is about to be an introspective post, for those not wishing to know more, look away now!

Some bits of the answer to Who am I are straightforward. I'm the younger of two sisters, the baby of the family, and I realise now that I've always been used to being the youngest. I was the youngest in my year at school, at least a year younger than most of the people in my year at University and consequently I started on my post University graduate career, just that little bit younger than most. So, I've been used to being younger than my peers all my life and largely it still continues. I don't know if that has any great relevance, it just is.

I'm also relatively independently minded. I don't like to be penned in, tied down or told what to think or do - and that goes for work as well as my personal life. Perversely, I do like to have support and guidance around, but if I'm honest it's probably only ever on my terms and when I think I need it. Which possibly makes me not the easiest employee to manage or person to have a relationship with. I'm probably best when I get to have the ideas and call the shots - unless, of course, I've decided I don't want to, and then it's definitely your responsibility!!

I have (perhaps unsurprisingly given the above) two failed marriages and a handful of equally unsuccessful serious relationships. At the moment, I'm on my own and have been for almost 2 years. It's the longest time I've been without a partner since I was a student. In fact I think it's quite possibly the only time in my adult life I haven't been part of a couple for any length of time. I'm not saying this for sympathy, again it's just something that is and is part of who I currently am.

I can't say that I entirely enjoy it. At times I very much feel the lack of an 'other' in my life, but equally do I want to be joined at the hip to someone else again? Not really, and certainly not at the moment. A fair proportion of the time I thoroughly enjoy the freedom of being just me, doing what I want to do, having (largely) to suit no-one but myself and being responsible for no-one but me - apart from Cat that is, of course!

But - and here's the rub - I do want something more, I'm just not sure I know what that 'something more' is. Do I just underestimate the love and support I already get from my friends? Or is there something substantively different that I want, need from a partner?

Perhaps it's a level of intimacy that I don't feel I get at the moment that I'm looking for. And by intimacy I don't mean sex - although don't get me wrong, that would be great! - but there's a closeness that I don't think I get in my current circumstances and may well be what I'm looking for. That, and the feeling of having someone on my side when things get tough.

Which gets me to thinking, do I only really want someone for the tough times, or is it just that I feel their lack more accurately then? And if I only want someone for the tough times, to support me, does that make me selfish? And is that perhaps why I find myself 43, on my own and with no realistic prospect of that changing any time in the near future?

Who knows! And I still don't really know who I am or what I want!!

Taking (back) control

OK, I confess up front. I've been having an off few days just recently. Life as a single gal has been getting me down a bit. Quite a bit. Well, a lot really. I've been really down for some time and the last couple of weeks have been tough.

Not that many people would necessarily know. One of my traits is to 'put on a good face' in public and keep up the 'life and soul' character I tend to adopt in my everyday dealings. In part, this is about not wanting to inflict my unhappiness on other people, and in part it's pure self preservation - I can't talk about it without getting upset and the last thing I want is for people to see me too upset. Of course, there are friends that I have been a bit more open with - and some of my online buddies will be thinking, what's she talking about? She's pretty candid with us about being miserable! - but on the whole I tend to keep stuff to myself until it gets too much and I ex/implode.

But the point at which I feel I have to speak to someone about it is usually a pretty good sign that I need to get a grip. Being tearful for no reason in public is not something I enjoy, and 18 months after becoming (voluntarily) single again, it's not something that gets - or deserves, to be fair - a lot of sympathy. I am, however, blessed by amazing friends who, once they know, really go out of their way to cheer me up - and for that I am truly grateful. I only hope I'm half as good a friend to them as they are to me when/if the time ever comes.

But to get to the point of the post - I have been feeling sorry for myself recently. Struggling with being entirely on my own - left to deal with all the mishaps and daily tribulations of modern life. It's hard when you come home from a crap day at work and there's no-one there to share your pain, give you a hug and be utterly and completely on your side. It's hard waking up morning after morning on your own, when the only physical contact you get is at your dance class or the beauty salon. It's hard rocking up to events on your own and launching yourself into other people's conversations rather than stand around the edge feeling like a spare part among all the couples around you. It's hard when you feel like you're imposing on other people's lives, when you need to rely on friends for social company when you know they have so many other calls on their times. In short, it's hard being one in a world made for two.

Today at work I was researching something online* and I stumbled across a couple of quotes - the first made me think about how I come to the issues I face in my life and the degree to which I let them control me, rather than me take charge of them. It chimed with 2 conversations I've had recently with well-meaning friends but whose advice I wasn't ready to take at the time - both of them, in their separate ways, said what I need is a plan, an active approach to sorting myself out, a concerted effort on my part to fix my problems rather than waiting for the world to do it for me.

The second quote reminded me that we only get one shot at all of this, and it's far preferable to have a good time than a bad one.

Now I know it's not that easy. Just thinking doesn't actually make it so. But it can help. And being positive, thinking happy thoughts and finding joy in my every day life will all make me feel better. And if I feel better, it's much more likely that it will be better. My life, all in all, isn't really that bad - it's difficult at times but I have my health, I can afford to live, I have family and friends who love me and I am safe. When you look at it that way, I'm pretty lucky really!

So, now (if you're still awake) you're wondering what the quotes were? Number one was

"for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so"

Good old Willie Shakespeare with his tragic hero and deep thinker, Hamlet (although in retrospect, perhaps not such a good role model for throwing off melancholy and tragedy!)

And number two was

"You live longer once you realise that any time spent being unhappy is wasted"

As for the photograph, I have been wallowing a bit over recent weeks!!

*If you're interested, I was researching for a discussion on deprivation and poverty that's coming up next month. I was looking for a quote that had been used at a seminar I was at the other week - which I found on a brilliant quotes website and which I've now got bookmarked at work and at home. 

But I also found a couple of other pithy comments, my favourite of which is probably

The poor we have always with us, and the purpose
of the Lord in providing the poor is to enable us
of the better classes to amuse ourselves by
investigating them and uplifting them and at dinners
telling how charitable we are. The poor don't like
it much. They have no gratitude. ...But if they are
taken firmly in hand they can be kept reasonably
dependent and interesting for years.

--Sinclair Lewis (1885—1951)

closely followed by

Of all the preposterous assumptions of humanity
over humanity, nothing exceeds most of the
criticisms made on the habits of the poor by the
well-housed, well-warmed, and well-fed.
--Herman Melville (1819—1891)

but there were lots more too, including some challenging ones that I'll probably use. 

And the one I was looking for?

I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I was not poor, I was
needy. Then they said it was self-defeating to think I was needy;
instead, I was deprived. Then they said deprived had a bad image;
I was really underpriviledged. The they said underprivileged
was overused, I was disadvantaged. 

I still do not have a dime but I have a great vocabulary.
--Jules Feiffer

The dark corners

Sitting in the dark corner of the restaurant, at the hidden tables reserved for the solo diners, the scraps and sounds of other people's conversations come to me, rolling in and out like waves on a beach. Snatched moments of other people's lives lap round me, entwine mewith their ordinariness and threaten to overwhelm me in my solitude.

The family crowded round the table in the centre of the room, Mum and Dad struggling valiantly to keep their children from disturbing the atmosphere. Jubliant shrieks and petulant whines intermingle with hissed instructions and muttered exhortations to 'behave'. It's a losing battle that's painted on the faces of the guests at the neighbouring tables, starched in their stuffiness and intolerant of the exuberances of childhoods long forgotten.

The young mum, escaped with her still single friends for some brief respite from the daily humdrum of work and home. She casts a look of pity and annoyance in equal measure at her fellow traveller, unable to control, letting the side down, no more successful than she herself would be. But this forgotten, protected by the regiment of shopping bags lined up round her feet, overflowing with treats that will end up being the concrete reminders of her day of freedom.

The couple in the corner, still very much in love, entirely absorbed in each other, oblivious to the world around them, engaged completely within their own reality to the exclusion of everything else.

Through it all the waiting staff pass - some rushed and flustered, others serene and calm, all proficient in their efficiency. They share a word with a guest here, whisk away a finished meal there, ever eagle eyed for attention required to ensure a smooth service. Made solicitous by the lure of tips, they share their favours equally around the room.

A gaggle of women erupt into the room, squeezing between tables as they blunder their way to the toilet, giggling as they navigate their somewhat unsteady course through their fellow diners.

All this I observe from my table in the corner, segregated from the rest as if my solitude is a contagion easily spread. The modern taboo that dare not speak its name. I've become adept at donning the armour to protect me from their pity. The book to read, the music to listen to, the notebook to write in, the mobile phone to check. Without these props I can easily feel adrift, unprotected and vulnerable to the storm of companionship and human connection swirling around me.

I try to regain my equilibrium, keep it from touching me, find my still centre that allows me to be content with my silence and separation. I strive to be at ease with my sense of whole and ignore the pricking of need for another to make me feel whole. In a way I pity them their desperate race to fill the silence with chatter and to ward off loneliness with touchs and smiles. Yet, at the same time, even as I think it, I know it for a lie. A deception of myself that I almost manage - almost, but not

Waving

not drowning, although sometimes to be honest, it feels like it!

Apologies, this is going to be one of those posts that some of my readers don't like me writing. Today has not been a good day. The good news, however, is that it's better than last night was. And this evening is definitely better than this morning was.

So, what's wrong I hear you ask? Everything and nothing, I guess. I've been very busy at work and that's made me very tired. The things I've been dealing with have been complex and far from straightforward. At times it's been really hard to see if I'm making any progress at all, or even if what I'm doing has any point.

And life at home hasn't been much easier. Because I've been so busy at work, things have mounted up in the flat. There's been a load of washing winking at me for a few days now, muffled only by the cries of the dirty dishes in the sink to be washed and the pile of clothes that need to be put away. And let's just not go there with the hoovering that needs done!!

On top of all of that I've been feeling the loneliness of being on my own. I realised at the weekend that I don't often just stop and do nothing, and I know why. When I do stop and do nothing I tend to think too much, and that's when I think about being on my own. So being busy keeps my mind distracted, but also leaves me tired, which leaves me low, which gets me to thinking again - vicious circle!

Last night when I was at my lowest ebb I decided what I needed was to break things, throw things, do some damage. And then I remember I'm staying in a rented place with someone else's property. I don't think the landlord would really be very pleased if I broke his crockery and upset his neighbours. Softer options are called for therefore. One of my friends used to have pillow fights to make herself feel better. But pillow fights on your own just don't cut the mustard I've found. So I was back to square one.

Instead I resorted to a good night's sleep, some moping at work and then a busy work schedule to take my mind off things. On the whole I think it's worked - a phone call with a good friend and a visit from another really helped too. It reminds me how lucky I am to have people who care for me, and even if I don't have someone special, I still have people who make me feel special, cared for and loved.

But I still think I should probably start taking my Evening Primrose Oil pills again!

thanks for listening xx

Magpie

One for sorrow, two for joy the rhyme tells us. And although I'm not hugely superstitious, until very recently I would get really upsetif I ever saw just one magpie. I would look round desperately for a second one, worrying that if I didn't see another one, that would be mean I was going to have a bad day. And quite often, when a second one didn't appear, my day would suck - of course, reinforcing my superstition about the damn magpies!

I know it's not rational. I know that a cat crossing my path or only seeing one magpie isn't what controls what happens in my day. But I also know, that how you feel about your day has a lot to do with how you will experience it. I'm sure I heard some research reported on the radio just recently about that.

I have an amazing online friend who never fails to impress me by her ability to be happy and to find joy in the tiniest things - even those that most of the rest of us would see as a pain. Her Facebook status today, for example, reads "Taking out the trash and surrounding myself with fun oomph and gusto!! ♥ Happy Wednesday guys! ♥". She always makes me smile, and every time I read something she's written, it challenges me to be happier about what is after all, the pretty straightforward, comfortable, un-angst ridden life I lead. (Another friends tells me I worry way too much, and I think he's probably right!).


So, one thing I've done is sign up for a Silliness course. It starts today and having had a look at today's exercise I'm itching to get started. I think I'm going to have to store the first few up to do over the weekend since I haven't been organised enough to get the supplies in that I need, but I promise to blog some of my silly outputs over the coming few weeks as I work my way through finding fun and laughter on a daily basis.


The other thing I've done is change my mindset about being 'one'. I blogged while I was on holiday about how hard it can sometimes be in a world that seems designed for two, and there's no denying that it can be hard at times. But it's also true that being 'one' isn't in anyway a deficit. 

Being one is being strong. It's being independent. It's being self reliant. It's experiencing more and pushing out of your comfort zone. It's empowering, scarey, thrilling, rewarding. It's liberating too. I can do what I want to do, eat what I want to eat, watch what I want to watch, listen to what I want to listen to, go to bed and get up when I want (well, work notwithstanding!). Yes, I do have to cope with more of the crap by myself, but I also know that I can. And if I want it done a particular way, I don't have to hope that it happens like that, even if it does mean I have to do it myself. 


Don't get me wrong. I would dearly love to have someone special to share stuff with, to help make the good times better and the bad times easier. But I don't need it. I am not 'less than' without someone else. I'd like to be a little bit 'more than' every once in a while too. But for now, I think I'm doing ok. Now, when I see a magpie on its own I don't panic and look for another. I just smile, say hello and think how amazing life as 'one' can be. 

And in truth, although I may not have a special someone around just now - I do have lots of special people in my life who make me feel exceptionally loved. To them I say, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Know that you have helped me find the strength to see the world in this way xx

The path...

The path
Originally uploaded by bexybeads

...can be hard at times. But it can also be rewarding and worth the effort.

Yesterday's post was uncharacteristically down beat for me. It's not that I don't get down, it's just that I usually choose not to write about it quite so openly. But yesterday, it just got to me and I also thought it might help to write it down and explore the feelings I was having.

It didn't. But it's still how I was feeling so I'm going to leave it up there in cyberspace.

You'll be pleased to hear that I'm feeling better today. Not fixed or perfect, but better. And compared with yesterday, for me that's fine.

So, what's made me feel better? I'm not sure really. Part of it has been my fabulous friends, who, knowingly and unknowingly, were there for me when I needed them. Part of it is just a new day and a new frame of mind. Part of is probably that my tango class went well!

Emotions, they're strange and uncontrollable things!