Thursday, 23 September 2010


not drowning, although sometimes to be honest, it feels like it!

Apologies, this is going to be one of those posts that some of my readers don't like me writing. Today has not been a good day. The good news, however, is that it's better than last night was. And this evening is definitely better than this morning was.

So, what's wrong I hear you ask? Everything and nothing, I guess. I've been very busy at work and that's made me very tired. The things I've been dealing with have been complex and far from straightforward. At times it's been really hard to see if I'm making any progress at all, or even if what I'm doing has any point.

And life at home hasn't been much easier. Because I've been so busy at work, things have mounted up in the flat. There's been a load of washing winking at me for a few days now, muffled only by the cries of the dirty dishes in the sink to be washed and the pile of clothes that need to be put away. And let's just not go there with the hoovering that needs done!!

On top of all of that I've been feeling the loneliness of being on my own. I realised at the weekend that I don't often just stop and do nothing, and I know why. When I do stop and do nothing I tend to think too much, and that's when I think about being on my own. So being busy keeps my mind distracted, but also leaves me tired, which leaves me low, which gets me to thinking again - vicious circle!

Last night when I was at my lowest ebb I decided what I needed was to break things, throw things, do some damage. And then I remember I'm staying in a rented place with someone else's property. I don't think the landlord would really be very pleased if I broke his crockery and upset his neighbours. Softer options are called for therefore. One of my friends used to have pillow fights to make herself feel better. But pillow fights on your own just don't cut the mustard I've found. So I was back to square one.

Instead I resorted to a good night's sleep, some moping at work and then a busy work schedule to take my mind off things. On the whole I think it's worked - a phone call with a good friend and a visit from another really helped too. It reminds me how lucky I am to have people who care for me, and even if I don't have someone special, I still have people who make me feel special, cared for and loved.

But I still think I should probably start taking my Evening Primrose Oil pills again!

thanks for listening xx


Just Frances said...

It sucks to be alone, doesn't it? I'm really sorry you're having a hard time and wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for you.

It's funny, I'd rather spend time alone sulking and ignoring the world to cope with my loneliness. I wish I had the courage to go and 'do' things like you - but I guess the grass is always greener.

So, you can't have a solo-pillow fight and can't break the landlords dishes. What about getting some bubble wrap or one of those table-top punching bags? That might help a bit?

I hope the weekend finds you in cheerier spirits.

ebbandflo said...

oh, i hear you, and i'm so sorry too. like frances, i prefer to mope solo. i hibernate when miserable so well done to you for getting out there. i think your's is a more productive way.

you're right, i don't like reading your posts when they're like this :( - i hate knowing you're down and so far away. bleh. but it's good to get those thoughts down IMO - writing it out is half the battle cos it means you've recognised what's happening and can now take steps to rectify. denial is the biggest hurdle to recovery.

why don't you try joining Frances's lunch hour reclamation project for next week? take a pic of your lunch surroundings from your phone and blog it. i think i'll be doing similar as i need to stop the crazy since wee guy went back to school. working smarter not longer is my motto now :)

will inflict skype on you soon

Dylan said...

I was just doing a bit of surfing and I saw your post. I have had periods in my life when I have felt much the same. I always thought it would be great to get a sheet of ice (I think a block would be too hard and therfore not giving the desired result) But then you could take the sheet of ice and slam it on the diveway or sidewalk. It would feel so good-like you are shattering glass, but no damage to anything and no mess to clean up (Yes, I am pretty practical even in matters of letting out frustration!) Anyway, I never did it, because it was too much work to fill a cookie sheet and get it flat in the freezer(I am lazy too), but I still think of it all the time, and I guess I get some satisfaction of just thinking it.

PS. I am Frances' Ant and I know this post is very old, but it did make me think of the breaking of the ice/glass.

Bex said...

I love the ice sheet idea, although like you I'm probably too lazy/disorganised to get round to making one. But maybe...

Thanks for reading and thanks for taking the time to comment and share your suggestions for stress relief!!