Tuesday, 19 April 2011
Sunlight or searchlight?
For some time now I've been wrestling with an unknown, worn down at times by the uncertainty and made miserable by the constant questioning and doubt.
I had thought I wanted to know the answer, to know one way or the other what would be. And then, I told myself, good or bad, at least I could start dealing with it. I could move on, celebrate or commiserate, make sense of it all.
But I was wrong. It seems that knowing doesn't make it all better, unless the end result is the one you wanted. Not knowing, and continuing to hope, seems a far preferable situation to me at the moment. Knowing and having my dreams trampled on hurts so damn much. I look back with envy and nostalgia to the time when this albatross of knowledge didn't weigh me down.
In time, I'm sure, it will get better. In time, I'm sure, the searing light of truth will feel more like sunlight and less like a searchlight, illuminating my sorrows and silly dreams for me to see all too clearly. But not now, not yet. Just now it's too raw. Just now, I wish I could have stayed inside, away from the window, not tempted by the need to see and to know.
But wishing doesn't make it so. Time cannot be undone. Knowledge cannot be unknown. Truth must be faced and I will just have to learn how. The dolphin spotter in me still clings to a hope that maybe it only seems the way it is, but the realist knows it for what it is. The end of a dream.
But hopefully not the end of dreams.
And no, you don't get to know what it was/is. Sorry. But don't worry, it's nothing life threatening or dangerous, nothing to do with my health - well, not my physical health at any rate. In the grand scale of things, it's not even really that serious - but it is/was to me. And for now, I hurt for it.