Sunday, 18 July 2010

Creating space

While I was on holiday and just after I got back I blogged a bit about the thinking I've been doing about 'My Life'. Well, this is the notebook I've been writing it all down in. I bought it ages ago and haven't really used it much until now. Reading the things I'd written way back when was quite hard - most of it was from when I was trying to get pregnant.

Trying and failing that is. It took me right back to how completely devastating that time was. When the one thing I had ever really wanted was the one thing, no matter how hard I tried, that I couldn't do.

I've moved on now and while it is something I still feel incredibly sad about it doesn't cripple me to quite the same extent now. It's still hard sometimes to see a woman with a baby but most of the time it brings a genuine smile to my face, not the forced fake one I used to have to do to get by without screaming, it's not fair.

As things have turned out, it was probably for the best. I don't think my (almost) ex-husband would have coped with being a parent. And I know I wouldn't have coped with him not coping! Still, it does hurt and is the big regret of my life.

But that's not the point of this post. The point was supposed to be about a different form of creativity - my writing, even though it's only for my own consumption. It was also that I really like the motto on the front of the notebook. I liked it when I bought it and I like it even more at the moment while I think about Life and what to do with it!

Seems like a pretty good philosophy to live by if you ask me.

1 comment:

ebbandflo said...

IMO i think you would have coped with his not coping - you have coping skills for two and that would have been you and your baby. you have strength, great strength.
FWIW i still think it's incredibly not fair that it was me and not you, cos you wanted so much and i was 'meh, let's see if it happens'. though now i cannot imagine life not being a mum and i regret not one bit of it and know i would have regretted not trying. you really opened my eyes to what it was to try and not succeed, and you did it so unselfishly with all my news about the Wee Guy in utero and out of utero. thank you

in the end the result has been the Wee Guy and I think he's big enough for us both :)