Parenting Aunty B style

Of course Nessie comes to BC for her Christmas holidays every year - you just need to look harder!

One of the joys of being an Aunty is the reckless approach one can take to the part-time parenting that you get involved in.

I first met my nephew when he was about 8 months old and had started to crawl quite successfully on his own. He was safely corralled in what was known as the Baby Pit, the living area of the apartment that was 3 steps down from the rest of the ground floor. So what did Aunty B do - as well as starting what is now known as the Dinosaur obsession? She taught the Wee Guy how to climb stairs. Strangely enough, big sis wasn't too pleased. Can't think why! The only thing he could access was the kitchen, the front door and the vertiginous stairs to the rest of the apartment.

Eat up, it's ok Aunty B didn't make it this time

When he was a bit older I taught him what happens when you get sunscreen in your eyes - apparently it's really nippy and causes lots of tears - and also how to stick out his tongue, and blow raspberries. We also discovered that he has a really noisy neck, arm and belly. I think I tried to teach him how to say 'bollocks' but he wasn't having any of it - and since he already pronounced 'tr' as 'f' and loved pointing out trucks on the freeway, there was nothing new to teach there. 

Honest, if you sit there all night pointing the remote at the screen, Santa will appear even if you have been bad

This holiday I've taken to hypnotising him to eat his dinner - it's all about the eyes you know - and he now thinks I have reversey glasses that make me immune to his otherwise awesome hypnotic abilities.

Cultivating the mad scientist look

But the piece de resistance has to be Aunty B's strange but true scientific theories. So far I have managed to convince him that gravity is something to do with velcro, dinosaurs became extinct when they slide off the edge of the world (obviously before velcro was invented), things get hot by jumping up and down but it can only happen when it's light because otherwise they'd bump into each other (and that's why it's warmer during the day than at night) and that photosynthesis is caused by little pixies inside plants mixing blue water with yellow sunlight, making it into paint and then nipping out at night to brush it on the leaves etc. I'm working on a theory of evolution and what's causing climate change but I think they might just be too controversial cruel even for an Aunty...

Strangely my brother in law now thinks home schooling would be a really bad idea.

Yup, son. I think if you hold down the lid and I get the packing tape we should be able to post her back to the UK after the public holiday